I don't need money, I don't need cars

you know, I dream about you almost every night, I dreamt that we were together just the two of us and you're always there by my side. I even dreamt that you were playing with our kids, being the greatest dad and the sweetest husband. but sometimes, dreams are just dreams. you might not know whether it is going to turn out true.


waking up after having those dreams is the most terrible feeling, you realize that it was just a dream. although it is a sweet one, you still wish that it was true and that it'll never end. sometimes, things go awry and you wish you were dreaming, but you're actually not. sometimes when I close my eyes, I force myself to dream about you, just so i can actually feel you touching my hands all over again and whisper in my ear that everything is gonna be alright. saying it virtually is just not assuring enough. I know it is the time and distance that we have to deal with, but a little extra effort won't hurt anybody except for the mailman's energy. We seem to talk to each other everyday, but yet the key ingredient isn't there. It's been a long while since I heard you say anything to me, the rest was just typing sounds. Plus I have to wait a long time for you to reply me, and watch you type furiously with other people. That made me feel like just a side dish, you can either eat it, or just ignore it or you eat it alongside with the main meal. And I'm not the main meal.


I have expectations of you I know you could never meet. but I still try to mould you so that things wouldn't get worse...that we'd keep our flames alive, and communication going strong. but you mistook it as a sign of controlling. all I wanted was a little more attention, and for you to not level me with everything else. I am special, aren't I? but yet I dont feel so. I know you dont have all the time in the world to attend to me, but if I can flex my time to suit yours, why can't you? all i did was to sacrifice the little things like sleep, and breakfast.


Sometimes, I'm just angry cause thing don't go the way I planned it to be, and I'm left with dust despite all the hard-work and effort I put into it. I cry all the time thinking what I did wrong or why things aren't working out, I'm tired and frustrated. But you aren't helping either by asking me nicely "what can I do to help?", "Don't worry baby, everything's gonna be alright", or "Nothing else is important/ matters". Instead, I'd get a "Why you nak marah2 I ni?", "You nak control I ni kenapa?", or "Ape masalah you kalau i buat ni/itu?"...So you see now, i even have to ASK you to pujuk me. It doesn't come that naturally anymore. I'm not asking you to come back and pujuk me, but just...pujuk me. A card, a letter or flowers is wayyyyy beyond your capability already pun for me to ask. Plus, I'm not the asking type, but I expect you to do small2 simple and sweet things for me...sending me a card or a letter is not gonna kill you, but you act like it will. It's not like you've never helped other people do it, but it's just you who thinks its not important. If it weren't then I wouldn't have busted my ass to make you the farewell album on my own (with a little help from Acap).


I'm not asking you to buy me things, but a simple short phone call would've touched my heart. There IS a difference between skyping and calling you know. But since Skype is free, you opted for that, and therefore you take talking to me for granted. you talk to me while doing other things, and make me wait and when you need to go you just go. I love you too much to let you go, but if you can even delay to say "I love you" to me, then forget it...I even have to ask you to write sweet things on my facebook. It's pathetic and embarassing, but I just have to say it now. I don't care anymore, I'm just to numb to even feel embarassed to let the whole world know.


Things are twice as hard now, but if you're not helping me, then it won't work. I'm almost at the verge of giving up cause I feel so tired I have to tell you to do everything. I still care, I do. If I didn't, my heart wouldn't wreck and tears wouldn't have dropped. We keep on fighting about the same thing almost everyday. I know I have a terrible temper and mood swings, but you don't have to tell me to go for anger management classes. It's not like I'm yelling at you or anything. Someday I'm gonna die from a popped artery or something cause I feel like I have to hold back my anger everytime people piss me off.


I hope something happens to me so you would realize how much I meant to you, cause now I feel like I'm always there so you don't feel any loss. Who knows I might die tomorrow and you didn't get to say "I love you" cause you postponed it to tomorrow night.


I need some sort of assurance cause I feel like I'm standing on a death pole. If I stumble, I'll fall to my death, for now I'm still standing and holding on, unless if you push me over.

It's not that I don't believe your words, but words are just merely words. I know it's impossible for you to come back and hold my hand while making me feel secure but there ARE thing you could've done, but you heed over it and ignored it like it's not important. you tell me you love me while reading your daily football news...wtf is that? you're not even looking at me while saying it to me...as if you were forced to do so, if you didn't want to, you didn't have to.

whatever-lah, maybe if i died or got into a comatose state, today or tomorrow, only then you'd dramatically react to me kot. If not, you'd be like this forever and ever.