it's complicated to tell you how I feel

I'm usually not the person to write about my relationship issues unless it is a common problem everyone faces. Most are still left wondering what actually happened to that 7 years of courtship that went kaput in such a short time, and more got confused when I built another one right after. 

These past year has been a storm of all sorts, especially in terms of romance. Things might seem great but somehow I still feel as if something's missing. It's been a wild goose chase to search and be sure of what I want before I take a plunge, cause I am naturally deathly scared of dipping my toes in foreign waters. But not all things go well when you finally decide to jump, the water suddenly seems so cold and too still, as if you're the only thing alive and moving in it. I hate that feeling.

I missed my chance when one walked away, cause I thought it would've been a beautiful one. But when doubts starts creeping in, add to that a shake of trust and commitment issues, you've got yourself a scary thought of "what if it doesn't work out?"...but when I looked back, "what did ever work out, silly?". All you need to do is let go, follow your heart and just take that leap. Heh, easy to say lah. That first step to the unknown is the hardest. Feels like the first day in a new school, where everyone knows everyone, except you.

I pray to God every single time to just freaking drop The One right in front of my eyes cause I'm actually super tired to be thinking about this already. I kinda almost gave up, with the kind of men that I've met. Not all are bad, most are really the kind you'd wanna settle down with despite how they look like. But then again, I'm a traditional girl at heart. If I still don't feel that big bang in my heart, that's when I will still refuse to give in...Must've been all those year watching chick flicks, and to think that I don't really fancy chick flicks. sigh

"So I drink and I smoke and I ask if you're ever around,

Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground"

Kings of Leon, Revelry

I admit that most men I've met have been great but other issues such as religion, race, age, vision, intention and life directions have been popping up so frequently that it's starting to make me wonder, should I just defy the family's expectations and public's perception or should I just conform to the norm of marrying a normal, Malay chap. I know I'm still young to be talking about this, but hey, I'm a forward thinker sometimes. And blame it on peer pressure, cause I see friends or families that got married, getting married or with one kid and it puts a smile on my face. Envious, of course, that even if it's not perfect (what is perfection, anyway?) at least they have something to hold on to while it lasts.

I hope I don't scare some of them when I talk about future plans, but I'm the curious type, see. If we don't click on the same page, no matter how cute and charming he is, there's no point for me to even actually continue having a deeper conversation. 

"And if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too"

Deeper Conversation, Yuna

I'm am deathly scared to concentrate on career so much that I'd wake up one day and realize that I'm actually alone, like how I felt last night. The air was just too still, and the phone just doesn't ring and somehow it feels like the world refused to talk to me. Maybe I just think too much, but then again I rarely think about this so it's excusable =P

I just wish sometimes, that I can run away from here, move to a place where no one knows my name and what I do and start all over, wishing I'd truly fall in love. I guess I just have to follow what David sang in his song, 'Dominos'.

"So set down my sweet, lonesome soul,

Let pieces fall, where they will,

Like dominos"

David Knight, Dominos

So where are you, my other half?

"Woman was created from the rib of man.
She was not created from his head to be above him
Nor was she created from his foot to be trampled by him
She was taken from his side to be his equal,
From beneath his arm to be protected by him,
From near his heart to be loved by him"

Come sweep me like a wave and wash away my sanity  :')