Sometimes I wonder if the road I choose will be the death of me. I try to take a breather everytime it starts to suffocate but all it does is keep consuming me.
What I want is a sanctuary on the highest hills so no one could bring me back down cause if I do, I'd succumb to that person I'd hate to be.
I want the world to see me in a different light but I guess that light wasn't so bright. I hold on tight with all my might for what the world has for me, I know it's not right.
To be hoping for a different life the moment I wake up and open my eyes, I can't feel the reason to go on, sometimes I wish I'd die. But thoughts of you are the reason to keep me alive, I took a step back and refuse to dive.
Into the life of a girl surrounded by false pretense, nothing ever seemed real, nothing ever did make sense. Is it a virus, is it a sickness? Cause everyday it's eating her alive, inches by inches.
Maybe she's just going through a phase, as long as she buries her face, she'll just be kept in a daze. Through the days, when the sun stop shining down on her, and the worst things that could possibly occur, she'll be there just dreaming those days that have passed in a blur.
Everytime the public has their eyes on her, it felt like she's peeling every inch of flesh for the world and it burns. Makes her dizzy, when her world starts to churn.
Those people don't care about you, they criticize, they undermine they minimize. Til a point where you feel like everything is surreal and synthesized. Even when it shines, it blinds your eyes, make you see things and grow stigmatized.
I don't regret the things I choose but I just pray to God it won't be the death of me. All I can do now is just let it be. Livin' the life everyone dreams of, where everyone pretends to just be happy.
I want a tranquilizer, put me in a trance so even if I dance I don't have to think. I don't stop in my tracks even to re-think, even if I sink. I don't mind if that's how my death would be.
- Hanie Hidayah (16th Feb 2011)
PS: No, I'm not committing suicide, this was just what I wrote when my brain went into auto-pilot mode and this isn't the first. Just thought I'd share with you guys. And don't worry, I'm not emo either...well, maybe...a little =D
photos by point8cam and edited by yours truly =)