Sometimes I wish I never blogged at all

It has always bothered me to know that there's thousands of individuals reading my personal documented life everyday. It has also bothered me to know that they'd have some kind of perception towards me, either good or bad. At the same time for me, blogging is my healing process. I know there are tons of people out there just like me, facing all kinds of situations everyday. If I was just a reader even, to know that another person is facing the same thing, and dealing with it, just like any other human being, it will sort of make me feel better to know that I am not alone. If my true intentions for blogging was to make money and be famous for notorious reasons, I would've done it in a different way. But I still stick to my principles, I know this is a personal blog, some things will remains as it is. 

But sometimes, having these eyes on me feels like acid on a wall. Day by day it does get to you especially when stories gets around, true or not. I initially thought that by putting my stories and life in public, people would not twist it around. I guess I was wrong. There would always be one sorry sod who just has something to say about someone else's life, despite how shitty or pathetic their life really is. All you see on this blog are REAL. I may keep certain things in the dark, but it's not that I don't want to share. I do want to have a part of my life to myself, thus even if I share, it'd be cryptic. I don't mind if assumptions go around, cause humans are generally curious people but to have people making statements about my life is just ridiculous. Just because I chose to make it public does not give license to people to self appoint themselves as my publicist. Ah well, I guess that's just how humans are.

People will blame me, "why did u decide to publicize your life in the first place?". Yes, it was my fault I did but there's no reason for another person to go around the bush and tell others stories about me. You want stories, yes come here time to time to read more. I guess I could just be like other more famous bloggers and grow thicker skin. Take what people say to them, and spit it back out. But I'm not like that. I am stubborn, but not stubborn enough to not listen and take it to heart. But it worries me, actually, cause I love to write. I love sharing my thoughts, my experience cause I know tons out there feels the same way just that they don't express it. But I don't want this to be the reason for me to stop. But I guess if it comes to a point where words and rumours become poison to me, I think it is time for me to stop.

That's the thing. I don't want to be boring, and write safe things. I put myself out there, in all vulnerability to share. Life isn't hard. Only you make it so. To me, I want the things I've achieved to be an example and the things I failed at for the rest to learn from it. It was never in my intentions to rival out with anyone, or to become the point of conversation. I guess a lot of people misunderstood me on that.

OK, emo phase over. Just felt like ranting a little  ;)


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