Going back in time - Reflecting 2011

I started this post with the thought of writing on things I've done in 2011, but I'm pretty sure that you can go through my archives if you're keen enough to read about them so I decided to write about my thoughts on the past year, and what I've learned from it. I thought it would make a more meaningful post, and I can read back on it on the next New Year and reflect back to see how much I would have grown from the last. 

People always say, don't look back in the past, live in the present and look to the future. It's true, at some point but I always feel that there's no harm to reflect back on the past, and see how many steps have you taken forward since then. 

2011 was such a turbulent and insane year for me. I shot up, and crashed down at my own will. 

I made many new friends, and kept the old ones in my pocket. I've never forgotten about friendships I've made, but I don't expect people to do the same, no matter how it feels like a needle prick on the chest. I might be very blunt with my words at times, but my intentions are always pure but I know not everyone can tolerate anyone at the same level thus I had to let go some friends and keep them in the past. I learned that people will come and go, it's the nature of every living thing and don't regret knowing a person, cause if there's some things that you have to thank that person for, is the experience of dealing with people, good or bad.

One thing's for sure in 2011 is that I had to face my fear of being in the eye of the public, like literally. Being interviewed on television and recorded for print media was not an easy task. I fumbled with my words, and my body language showed that I was being put in the uncomfortable hot seat. I might look like I crave for attention, but I'm more comfortable if it's not direct contact with other people. After a year of going out with a guy who has camera at all times (and what you see online is only 40% of what's recorded), I kinda got used talking to the camera. I think my conversation with a piece of lens and body is much better than in person. I was such an awkward child growing up, and I will always be.

2011 was also the year I took a plunge into the waters and went back to school after leaving it for a year. It's true. 2009-2010 I was in the dark, and looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't find it until I was inspired by a person who showed me a path of things I love. I finally found the courage to face my fears of failing, and decided to finish my degree. I never told anyone, but I took a year off and worked, with the excuse of soul-searching. To be honest, I just lost my modjo, and felt like I was just floating around without any aim. And I didn't want to waste my dad's money and time by not studying thus I quietly did my own thing. Now I'm back on track, and so close to finishing. Back then it felt like I was standing on the ground, looking at a huge tree of my life, but I could never see the branches since it seemed far. Now, I'm slowly climbing the bark and  can finally see the branches where I could choose from, and see a different view from each branch.

I also found music as my escape, where when I listen to good ones, evoked emotions and visuals in my head in a level I never imagined I could. That was the thing that made point8cam and I to start talking to each other. He was the one who inspired me to put my visions into something tangible, and I started taking more photos and videos, and did my first one ever without his knowledge, until it was done. I never knew I could find my muse at such a young age. Well, not THAT young, but there are people who only got in touch with that side much later in life. I guess I was lucky. 

There were a lot of things I planned in 2011 that did not materialize, and I almost gave up on planning but I was taught that when one bulb dies, don't waste your life in darkness. Find a new bulb, and screw on more and make your surroundings brighter. One thing I've been planning since mid-year was to settle down, and unfortunately, as much as I think I'm ready for it, the ball isn't in my hands. But I'm not giving up. As much as I'm sure about it, and if it is meant for me, it will happen if not now, in the future. If there's another big thing I learned in the past year, is that if I don't get the things I want, or my plans just don't work out, I will either discard them or put it aside first. I'd rather not show what I don't get, just to make people see what I pretend to have.

If there's one thing I learned about humans, even myself is that we tend to judge very quickly and if only we can snap out of it as quick too, I'm sure we would see better days. I take human judgement like humor although it hurts me every time, and I make tiny mistakes by covering it up with being angry or ignorant. It's supposed to spice up our lives but I notice that I can't help being negative when people around me are negative as well. If you can't avoid a snake bite, then be sure to suck the poison out real quick. One thing I have to clarify is that yes, my partner is of the same religion as I am, and people keep questioning it. Another thing that they seem to question is that his choice of having ear studs on. I understand that most people are conservative but let me tell you one thing that I found after all these years. I don't think his choice of physical appearance would affect me as much as his attitude so I don't care if he wears ear studs or dresses like a 21 year-old, as long as he's a good person, knows how to take care of his family, has a priority in life and a balanced mindset. Basically, is beyond than what I've always expected to find in a partner. There's never a day that I've never felt any luckier to wake up and want to see that face. 

Failure had always been a long time friend in which I try not to keep as company, and as 2011 progressed and with each step I took forward, I found myself sinking from the world and began to breathe under waters. Funny when you start to sink, you see the world in a faster motion. Everything became a blur, and all I wanted was to find things which is true and pure in its nature. I came to a conclusion that 'real things and people' are as rare as pink diamonds, and all I can rely on is to not lie to myself and sugar coat the world in my own interpretation. The world isn't pretty, but it also ain't ugly. It's just skewed in a funny angle. Take it as a joke, like a carousel ride at the fun-fair but at the same time make sure you don't fall off the horse you're sitting on. Hold on tight, cause when it spins, you'll find that it is actually bearable, although it might be nauseating at times. Having failed at what I thought I'd wanna do isn't the end of me. I have years ahead to try, as long as this soul still exists in this body.

"Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life" (J.K Rowling, 2008).

Here's three cheers to 2012, and may it be kinder than the last. May my heart cooperate with my brain well, for finding that balance in life leads to a better future. I still have a long road ahead, and while walking through the woods, I might fall, scratch myself and bleed but a little blood, tears and sweat shed makes everything else more worthwhile. 

One things for sure, I find myself to be more at home when I'm somewhere foreign. I guess it's a sign that my home is not a house, but it's where I put my heart at when I find something genuine.